George is a third year Politics student. He writes his column as a satirical take on popular journalism, inspired by outlets like The Onion & The Daily Mash.

Disclaimer: All views expressed or implied in this column belong to the author, and in no way represent WesternEye as a whole.

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WesternLie – January 15th, 2014

The American healthcare system is literally retail therapy


“Blame Immigrants” Says Homo-Sapien Descended From 100,000 Years Of Immigration

A human being is leading a tirade against immigration, despite their lineage tracing back overseas.

The human’s ancestors originated in east Africa, which was subsequently followed by passage through the Middle East and thousands of years of gradual movement westward through Europe. The human’s distant relatives took a variety of different paths out of Africa, a choice that the human now hates them for.

“These people have never contributed to our society,” said the homo-sapien, accidentally forgetting the thousands of years of immigration of Celtic, Roman, Saxon, Viking, French, Irish, African, Asian, North American, South American, Australian and European peoples that created modern England.

“They have no right to be here – this country has no connection to their homelands,” once again slightly misremembering the brutal history of colonialism that his country perpetuated throughout the entire world.

“You can call me a lot of things – but I am NOT a racist. I hate all foreign people regardless of skin colour.”

Personally, this writer wishes that the person & their out-dated ideals emigrate to a trash can.


Golden Globe Wins Golden Globe For Most Golden Globe

A gold-coloured orb has won an award for being the most yellowish-tinted ball in the world.

“I can’t believe it. One day you’re a regular spheroid, the next, you’re a regular spheroid with another regular spheroid in your hands. Not literally, of course. I’m a shape, I don’t have hands. I don’t even have a mouth to take part in this interview. I think the writer is just making this up as they go along, as if they have some kind of deadline to meet while putting in as little effort as possible. Honestly, I’m impressed at their wit and incredible good looks.”

The sphere has now won the WesternLie award for Most Truthful & Trustworthy 3D Object.


Channel 4’s ‘Benefits Street’ a “Completely Accurate Representation of Working Class People” Says Billionaire

Billionaire Donald Rogers has praised new TV show Benefits Street as a perfect documentary on “scumbags”.

Rogers, who has had literally everything handed to him throughout his entire life, criticised the “sense of entitlement” of people in receipt of government assistance schemes.

“If you’re poor, it’s your own fault. Maybe if you worked harder, your father would have given you a better job.”

“I’m not rich – I only own one house. The rest are rented. They’re penthouses. I rent penthouses.”

Rogers, whose bank received a large portion of government bailout money in 2008, was appalled that his money could be distributed to another section of society.

“The difference is that poor people get ‘handouts’. We get economic ‘assistance’. Poors squander our money away on nonsense. We ship it all to tax-havens. Frankly, we’re just better than them. And the media agrees.”

“It’s preposterous that my money gets spent on benefits so they can have luxuries like food, water, heat and shelter. These people even have televisions. They’re not even black & white TVs. Full colour. Ridiculous.”

“Honestly, we don’t need the government spending money on anything. Cut it all, I say.”

Rogers left the interview via his government-subsidised electric car, driving on a government-funded road, all the while protected by the government’s police forces.



WesternLie – December 4th, 2013

Disclaimer: Burgers are just meat sandwiches with fancier names
UWE Hosts “Legs Fair”
The University has been criticized for hosting a controversial legs fair on one of its campuses.

Critics say that the act of selling legs is immoral, unethical and inappropriate on a university campus. In response, UWE has issued the following statement:

“This is not a legs fair. This is project management of large procurement projects and supply chain management… for the lower body industry.”

It wasn’t just regular legs that were on sale. Leg drones, unmanned legs and legs of mass destruction were also on show. One such leg was called the Shin-Splinterer 3000, a leg that has been banned in 19 states.

I spoke to a protestor about the legs fair.

“It is despicable that companies can just walk in and sell legs. I understand that legs fairs are a toetally unstoppable fact of the world, but for them to be invited to a university campus… It just doesn’t stand up. I want them kicked off the campus, or a reduction in the footage of their convention space.”

I thighed at her puns. Sighed. Whatever.

Burger King Overthrown in Democratic Revolution
The tyrannical ruler of the Burger Kingdom was overthrown this week, after burgermen & women revolted against his leadership.

The infamous Burger King is primarily known for his international chain of burger restaurants, but very few people are aware of his secondary role – the leader of a brutal, oppressive dictatorial regime.

Accused of countless crimes against hamanity (ham, like hamburgers. lmao), the unlawful imprisonment of journalists & food critics, and the embezzlement of state funds (raised from the burger empire).

The Burger King claimed that his government believed in the democratic principle of ‘Have It Your Way’ – but according to human rights activists, the only way you can have it is death.

Additionally, the Burger King was known to torture opponents using a method referred to as the ‘BLT’ – covering victims in bacon, lettuce and tomato then flame grilling them until perfection. Sick, but delicious.

The Burger King is now in exile in an unknown location. Rumours suggest he is either in Kentucky – a military dictatorship run by Colonel Sanders, or hiding on a farm ran by a crazed clown called Ronald.

Cat Spends Afternoon Watching YouTube Videos of Humans
Oscar is just like many other internet users his age – likes Facebook, enjoys Twitter and loves YouTube.

But Oscar is different in one way.

Oscar is a cat.

Oscar spends up to 6 hours a day watching videos of humans online, and runs a blog dedicated to the quirky things that only humans do. The most popular post is a GIF of a person checking their work email and drinking coffee.  The blog has 4 followers, and they are all cats.

Scientists are amazed at Oscar’s technical proficiency, and are seeking to do research on his abilities. Not only is Oscar surprisingly intelligent for a cat, his YouTube comments are actually more readable than 90% of human-made comments on the website.

I tried to interview Oscar, but he is a cat and cats do not speak English.

WesternLie – November 27th, 2013

Disclaimer: Apparently you can’t upload nudes to LinkedIn. Nobody told me.

Jungle Celebrities Starve to Death After Failing Every Task

The entire cast of I’m A Celebrity died last night, after going hungry for an entire week.
After failing every challenge, finding no stars and winning exactly zero meals, the celebrities were forced to find other means of acquiring food.
After day 3, several of the celebrities formed a hunting pack to find and kill new sources of food. They returned to the camp empty handed, especially the celebrity that lost their actual hands in a tragic boar accident.
Day 5 saw the first instance of cannibalism, which was the only the third grossest thing broadcast this season.
I spoke to a producer of the show.
“This is the most real that reality TV has ever been. Never before has cannibalisation been broadcast live from a jungle, but the sponsors LOVE it. Especially Iceland – they’ve already borrowed a few recipes. Funnily enough, the celebrities are totally within their right to leave the jungle at any time – they simply have to ask to leave and they’ll be pulled right out. They may have forgotten that, but we can’t simply force the three surviving celebrities out. That’s against the rules, and they clearly want to win. One of them doesn’t even have limbs anymore.”
Their bodies will likely be used in a trial next year.

UWE’s Gromit ‘Definitely Worth’ 3 Student’s Tuition Fees

The new Gromit statue in Frenchay’s library has been hailed as a “magnificent use of resources” and “the best possible way to spend tuition fees” by students.
I talked with an anonymous student (who is definitely real) about the acquisition.
“It cost £23,000 – basically nothing. I’m sure the one-and-a-half other students that paid for it agree. What university needs books, pencils or desks? We can use the Gromit as a desk! Or a chair! The possibilities are endless.”
A lecturer from the faculty of Good Dog Studies (that’s probably a real faculty, right? I don’t know. Pretend it is) took issue with the Gromit selection.
“Why was it Gromit? There are exactly 4 dogs in this world that are better than Gromit. First: John, my neighbour’s dog. Powerful shoulders. A perfect specimen. If any dog deserves a statue, it is John. In fact, I encourage all students to re-label the library dog ‘John’ in his honor.”
Make it happen, readers.
Note: After being informed that the £23,000 was donated to children’s charities, I cried into my pillow and repeatedly whimpered “That is beautiful”.

Death of Family Guy character ‘Literally the worst thing to have happened in the last 100 years’

The death of a character in the animated sitcom Family Guy has been voted the most tragic thing to have occurred since 1903, in an online poll conducted by the ‘People Ignorant of Both World Wars’ society.
The death beat two world wars, several ethnic genocides and hundreds of natural disasters to the number one spot. This column was a close second.
A Facebook page has been created in remembrance of the character, and has already accrued more likes than my personal modelling page which has 7 likes (5 are my family and 2 are people trying to sell Nike shoes).
I asked a fan what they thought of the situation.
“I was born in 2001, so I haven’t seen any kind of tragedy or national disaster that comes anywhere close to this nightmare. That character may have just been lines and colours on a TV screen, but dammit, they were my lines & colours.”
I told his parents that he watched the show and he got grounded for two weeks. He instantly forgot about the character’s death.
People call me the fun killer. I don’t know why.

WesternLie – November 13th, 2013

Disclaimer: Will Smith is a pretty good actor, right?

Government Reluctantly Accepts ‘Floor is Lava’ Petition
The government’s promise to accept any petition as law backfired this week, as it regretfully made a law to pretend all floors are lava.

Under the new law, people will only be able to travel by climbing across benches, fences and other objects that are not the ground. Bristol City Council has already created plans for a network of sofas to link all areas of the city together, to enable residents to commute to work and visit family.

I spoke with a government minister about the new law.

“Welcome,” she greeted me as I climbed across a chair to get into the room, “do make yourself at home. Don’t get too comfortable though, as the floor is literally lava.”

“We have made a terrible mistake. To implement the policy, we’ve had to import several million tonnes of the finest Icelandic lava, and install heating systems in every floor to prevent the lava from cooling. But that’s the price we pay for democracy.”

Other petitions that the government has had to respect include ‘Change the national anthem to ‘God Save the Swag’’, ‘Replace every word in the dictionary with ‘#yolo’’ and one petition simply titled ‘burger’.

It attracted 14,000 supporters.

westernliePictured: An artist’s depiction of the future

Energy Company CEO Turns Off Christmas Lights

Thousands of people annually celebrate the winter holiday season by watching D-level celebrities turn on festive lights in their cities. The CEO of an energy company wants to change that, however.

I spoke with Jon Evans about his maniacal plan.

“I have a giant red button that shuts off all power which I can press whenever old or poor people complain about energy prices. It’s great!” he said before maniacally laughing for 10 minutes.

“People are outside, enjoying themselves, celebrating winter with lovely lights. Then BAM, I’m ruining their day. I run this damn country.”

“Some people may refer to me as ‘The Grinch’. The Grinch lived in a badass mountain with an awesome dog. The Grinch was cool as heck.”

I mentioned that he might upset a lot of people with his plans.

“**** ‘em,” he replied.

westernlie2 Pictured: Christmas display without lights, or CEO’s heart

Celebrity Does A Thing

Shocking scenes were witnessed this weekend, as a celebrity did a thing.

Print, television and internet journalists spent precious time and energy reporting on a celebrity doing a thing, while simultaneously forgetting to report on wars, genocides and natural disasters occurring in the world.

The celebrity involved in doing a thing was most known for appearing in that one show from a few years ago, you know, that show with the thing where stuff happened. That one.

The thing is probably criminal, but the celebrity that did the thing will likely never face criminal charges, because, come on, how could you charge a celebrity with a crime?

The celebrity that did the thing later tweeted their regret and apologies, but will undoubtedly be caught doing the same thing again in few days.

We have an average of 80 years of life on this planet. Caring about a celebrity doing a thing is definitely worth the time.

westernlie3Pictured: Exclusive photo of celebrity doing a thing, from really far away

WesternLie – November 6th, 2013

Disclaimer: You know the deal.

Man Refuses to Take Off ‘Weird, Creepy Guy’ Costume
Halloween ended last week, but local man Greg Douglas is still insisting on wearing his seasonal outfit.

I visited him to ask about his choice of clothing.

“I don’t get why people are saying my clothes are meant to be a Halloween costume. This is just what I wear.”

Douglas was wearing a pair of high-waisted tan corduroy bottoms, an ill-fitting, food-stained hoodie and a t-shirt bearing the face of a ‘grumpy cat’.

“I’m not weird or creepy. I just like comfortable clothes. People are too quick to judge others on appearance alone. Just because I watch cat videos and giggle out loud in the library and I haven’t showered in a month, does not mean I’m weird or wearing a costume.”

I asked him about the blood running down his face.

“Oh, that? That just happens sometimes.”

After wiping away the blood, I looked around his house.

“Oh yeah, just ignore those cobwebs,” he said as he used his foot to nudge a skeleton under his sofa, “Kids love trick-or-treating here, I don’t know why. I didn’t even decorate.”

I quickly left his house, which was actually a derelict hospital on top of a lonely hill in the middle of nowhere.

On my way out, I learned a valuable lesson.

Never buy grumpy cat merchandise.

Rival Bus Companies Settle Ancient Rivalry in Mass Bloodbath
A city-wide feud lasting many years has finally exploded in an intense display of violence.

Relations between drivers from all of Bristol’s bus companies finally reached a boiling point this week as representatives agreed on a free-for-all showdown.

After years of rudely overtaking, undercutting each other’s prices and stealing routes, drivers from all over the city participated in an explosive conclusion to the story of the city’s public transport.

I spoke with the sole survivor of the battle.

“We all had enough of each other’s nonsense. We were DRIVING each other insane. I was WHEELY mad. I sent them on a ONE-WAY ticket to the grave. I couldn’t (BUS) STOP.”

I called the police immediately.

Man in Suit ‘Probably not guilty’
A Bristol jury is currently in deadlock, completely unable to come to an agreement on whether a man is guilty or not, due to his smart sense of style.

All of the evidence presented to the jury suggests that the defendant is absolutely guilty, but the clothing choices of the man have cast doubt on their verdict.

“We have his DNA evidence at the crime scene, CCTV footage of him actually committing the crime and he even confessed that he absolutely did the crime. But look at that beautiful waistcoat” said the prosecutor.

I caught up with a jury member to see what they thought.

“If he had been wearing like a hoodie, or something, then yeah, he would definitely be guilty. But the suit is really making me question myself. Name one criminal who has ever worn a suit. You can’t! There are literally no criminals that have worn suits.”

“Oh, I am absolutely guilty. But I’m wearing a suit. Who needs justice when you have money?” the defendant told us.

In his summing up of the case, the judge offered the following statement:

“The defendant had a sharp sense of style. Just like the weapon he used!”

The jury laughed for a solid 10 minutes, while a single tear rolled down the cheek of Lady Justice.

WesternLie – October 30th, 2013


Disclaimer: Just ignore this.

Censorship of Media “F***ing ridiculous”
The editor of a leading British newspaper has told us that decency guidelines are “absolute ****” and the organisation that enforces them are “complete ****s”.

The editor, who wishes to remain nameless, called for a repeal of the decency standards.

“We have a very ****ing strict word count. If we can’t meet that arbitrary ****ing number, we pump articles with a ****-load of expletives. I’m a ****ing pioneer.”

“How the **** are we supposed to meet a word count without all these **********ing unnecessary words? Increase content? Are you ****ing kidding me? That would mean we would have to pay our writers a ****-tonne more. I have a huge ****ing bonus I need to maintain.”

When we suggested that he should calm down, he got even more aggressive.

“Calm down? Calm the **** down? This is serious ****ing business.”

He gave us some parting words as we left.

“**** off, you ****ing pieces of ****.”

Student Protest Actually Achieves Something
A world first occurred in London this week, as a major piece of policy was changed to reflect the demands of a student demonstration.

During the demonstration, which was incredibly well managed, the students managed to communicate a very coherent and reasonable critique of the current government policy, and suggested several alternative measures.

In response, government ministers considered all of the student’s proposals, and responded with a mutually beneficial change in policy.

We spoke to a government minister about the way they review protests.

“A lot of people think we simply ignore demonstrations and negative opinion, and simply wait for the issue to blow over. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Yes, we continued to increase yearly university tuition fees to £9000 despite mass protests against the policy, but the original plan was to charge £9000, require a donation of a literal arm and leg, and install actual demons in every classroom. ‘A demon in every classroom’ and ‘No demon left behind’ were official policies until the student demonstrations of 2010.”

“I would like to tell everyone that their voice is not worthless, we don’t simply ignore everything that the public say, and we’re always listening.”

I thanked him for the interview.

“Sorry, what? I wasn’t listening.” he replied.

Giant Monster Destroying City Centre ‘Pretty Cool’, Says Student
A giant lizard destroying hundreds of buildings in Bristol’s centre has been described as ‘kind of badass’, by one student.

The 267-foot monster is on a rampage through the south-west of the country, arriving in Bristol after destroying the pier in Weston-Super-Mare and a small boat in Clevedon.

The monster was thought to have been awoken by nuclear tests in the Pacific Ocean and then took a long-haul flight into the country. It is unclear how the monster was able to pass through customs & passport control without a passport or any recognizable human features. It is also strange how a monster the size of a building managed to fit inside a plane.

We spoke to a witness of the monster’s rampage.

“That was AWESOME! It kind of slowly walked into the city, swiping down buildings as it moved, like, BOOM! Explosions! Then the military turned up with these guns and they went like PEW PEW and shot some missiles at it. It was INCREDIBLE. It was like a Hollywood movie, but actually enjoyable.”

Nobody was harmed, but my journalistic integrity was.

WesternLie – October 23rd, 2013

Disclaimer: Still not real.

Angry Birds, Pigs Finally Agree on Two-State Solution
After 4 years of continuous warfare, representatives of both bird and pig factions of the Angry Bird conflict have reached a deal that enables both sides to maintain their own self-governed sovereign states.

The conflict started after the pig faction was accused of stealing the bird faction’s eggs, and has escalated ever since. Their battles have been fought in various places on earth and even space. Atrocities have been committed on both sides, but public support has often been on the side of the birds, due to their smart usage of video game propaganda.

The pigs have often claimed that the propaganda is based in dubious facts and encourages the mass murder of pigs. “There is often a portrayal of a dictatorial pig wearing a crown, but Piggy Island is governed by a constitutional democracy and the king’s role is merely ceremonial”, one pig told us.

The treaty was signed in the bird-ruled city of Las Squawkus, under bird law. We asked Tom Williams, a resident expert in bird law to explain the settlement. “Bird law is not governed by reason”, he told us. This essentially means the deal could collapse at any moment, just like a tower made of wooden blocks.

The birds could not be reached for comment, because they are birds.

Somebody Actually Used the Yellow Pages
A local student broke an international 8-year record of not using the Yellow Pages this week.

We were so amazed that somebody actually used that yellow book of waste in the 21st century that we tracked him down and asked him why.

“I could just Google it and get the answer within 4 seconds, but the inconvenience of having to look through a physical book for 5 minutes really appeals to me,” he said. “Life is too easy these days. I can literally order food and have it on my doorstep within 30 minutes without having to go outside and chase down prey. The Yellow Pages are my time machine to a simpler, more terrible time.”

“Watch this,” he directed as he attempted to find a number for a plumber. “First you have to go to the plumbers section. That’s a good place to start. Okay, there’s no plumbers section. I guess a bathroom section? Okay, that doesn’t exist either.” It took him 10 minutes to find the ‘utilities’ section. “Okay, now I just have to find plumbers in this section. Here’s a whole page of plumbers. Now, I have to decide which one to call, which is difficult because none of them have reviews in this book. You have to call them all – and that’s the fun part!”

In the time it took him to find that single phone number, I had called a plumber, ordered a large pizza, booked a taxi and completed Candy Crush twice.

When asked if he will ever use the phone book again, he replied “Maybe for firewood.”

Bebo Rated “Most Indie Social Network”
Internet hipster Rainbow Jones has resorted to solely using Bebo because it is the “last remaining 100% indie website”.

“Bebo has been my home since 2008, and I intend on staying.”

“Ignore the fact that none of my friends use Bebo anymore. I have a daily ‘luv’ limit that I have to use up. You think I’m gonna just let this luv go to waste?”

After advocating for a luv-based economy, she went on to describe more positives of the Bebo social network.

“I often create quizzes to test how well people know me. The vast majority of people fail, because they are just not indie enough. I have a song that plays automatically when you visit my page. It’s by a band you’ve never heard of. It provides a soundscape for my page. This is my space online, and you will respect that.”

“Facebook is owned by Mark Zuckerberg. MySpace is owned by Justin Timberlake. Bebo is owned by completely indie people. Ignore the fact that it was so bad that AOL bought it then sold it. Do you understand how indie that is?”

After talking to her, I deleted my Bebo profile then blocked Jones from my MSN account.

WesternLie – October 16th, 2013


Disclaimer: None of this happened.

Lad Culture ‘Really Cool’ Says Massive Scumbag Piece of Trash

An informal poll has revealed that ‘lad culture’ is becoming increasingly popular among young men.

‘Lad culture’ has often been criticised for being misogynistic, disrespectful and offensive. I spoke with a self-identifying ‘lad’ to find out more.

The subject greeted me with an “OI” as he handed me a half-empty bottle of WKD. “LOOK AT THIS MEME”, he shouted, pointing at a Facebook page on his computer. The image was of a young man with a “GIRLS SMELL” tattoo emblazoned across his back. “CLASSIC BANTER”, he cheered.

I asked him about the rampant disrespect for women in the culture of being a stereotypical ‘lad’. “WE’RE LADS. THIS IS WHAT LADS DO. THIS IS WHAT BEING A LAD IS ALL ABOUT. MEMES. TREATING WOMEN AS SUB-HUMAN PIECES OF MEAT. MEMES. MORE MEMES.”

I asked him if he had ever possibly considered if he, as a young man, could have fun and enjoy himself without resorting to disrespect and ignorance. “I FOLLOW THE ‘WWJD’ PHILOSOPHY. WHAT WOULD JAY (from The Inbetweeners) DO?” It was about this time that I decided to leave.

Kicking me in the shin, he bade me farewell.


Bristol Man Minds Head After Noticing ‘Mind Head’ Sign

A close call occurred this Saturday, after a local man narrowly avoided a tiny head injury by glancing at a sign.

“That sign is a life-saver. Without it, I don’t know what kind of damage I would have sustained. I pretty much owe my entire life to this sign,” the man told us. “I could have been killed.”

“Should I be expected to ‘be aware of my surroundings’ when I’m in an unfamiliar place? Should I have some sense of personal responsibility? Should I open my eyes? That is not a society that I want to live in.”

“I am also entirely thankful of the ‘wash your hands’ signs in bathrooms. Before the signs, I’d often wonder why nobody wanted to shake my hand. Now, I’ve managed to introduce myself to several people without having them vomit.”

Doctors say he could have experienced a minor bruise from the low ceiling, or at worst, a temporary skin grazing.

We talked to an unimpressed doctor. “If you need a sign to tell you to not hit your head, I don’t think there’s any hope for you. Maybe we should remove the signs and just see what kind of crazy Darwinian dystopia we can create.”

“Grow up”, he ended.
Millionaire City Banker ‘Not in it for the money’

London-residing investment banker Arthur Wright is allegedly only involved in his trade “for the fun of it”.

“I have seven houses and three children in private education. At this point, I’m just doing this to get out of the house. Well, one of the houses.”

“I’m doing what I love – pouring millions of pounds into high risk, highly volatile investments – and getting paid for it. The money isn’t important to me, it’s the feeling that I’m helping people.”

“I bet imaginary numbers on other imaginary numbers, and when they go up by an imaginary percentage point, I make several thousand pounds. It’s very hard work, but it’s also very fulfilling.”

“I am literally gambling with other people’s money, but I know it’s changing lives and contributing to a healthy society. I just know.”

When asked whether he thought he deserved more pay than nurses, police officers, teachers and scientists, he replied “No. But who’s going to stop me?” He then proceeded to make a V-sign to a homeless man begging for change.

“Change THIS!” he remarked.

WesternLie – October 9th, 2013

Disclaimer: None of this is real. 


9am Lecture Will ‘Definitely’ Be Attended, Says One Student

A single student has confirmed that they will ‘absolutely’ be attending lectures scheduled for 9am.

“Sure, I have to wake up at 5am, skip breakfast, take a two-hour bus ride then run into the lecture hall, but this is definitely worth it”, the student said. “I don’t even care that my lecturer simply reads a PowerPoint presentation already available online. I am an idiot, and I intend to maintain that”.

“I am completely confident that this level of attendance will maintain itself throughout the rest of the year”, a lecturer told us. “This student is actually dedicated. Too dedicated, in fact. Not even I come into my own 9am lectures. I think I’m the only person that this guy interacts with. Honestly, I’m terrified.”

The attendance of a single student at 9am represents a dramatic rise over the previous year, in which minus levels of attendance were reported. Several black holes were created as a result, which destroyed a large portion of the humanities department.

Nobody else was available for comment, due to hangovers.

Pictured: University During 2012 Black Hole Incident



95% of World Population ‘Completely Enthralled’ By Your Tweet About Breakfast

A new study has shown that literally everyone loves your tweets about eating breakfast.

Your tweet, “pancakes lol”, with an attached photo of said pancakes, amassed over three billion retweets and seven billion favourites. We asked the people of Bristol why your tweet was so popular.

“Well, the tweet said ‘pancakes’ and it was followed by a picture of pancakes. That is pure art” said one woman.

Another told us “Breakfast IS the most important meal of the day. Therefore it’s the most important tweet of the day. Maybe even year”.

“I cannot explain how much I care about this person’s tweet about breakfast” asserted one fan. “It has really made me think about life, society and how we all interact on a basic, human level. It’s like Plato came back and defined what it means to be a human in society – through syrup on social media”.

Additionally, your tweets about going to bed are also incredible. Keep that up.

Pictured: Your perfect Twitter page

World’s First Amusing Meme Discovered

After two-hundred thousand years of human evolution, five thousand years of written history and fourty years of internet connectivity, the first actually amusing meme has been discovered. The meme, which comprises of a photo with text at both the top and bottom of the picture, is the first ever instance of a funny meme.

I spoke with one of the researchers at the Meme Discovery Unit at Oxford University.

“Until this discovery, we thought memes were just collections of low-effort appeals to the lowest common denominator of humor. What we’ve found is quite possibly the pinnacle of human achievement, comparable with any wonder of the ancient world or modern feat of science. A meme that can actually make people laugh is on par with sending people to mars or curing every form of cancer”.

The meme is pictured below.

EDIT: Image removed for copyright reasons.