Students compete to have more work than one another, rather than actually doing it.
A nationwide survey has revealed that university students across England and Wales are currently engaged in a competition to see who has the most impossible workload.
The survey, conducted by Mejustnow LTD, looked at Twitter, Facebook and various internet forums, and concluded that the amount of work some students currently claim to have is “tortuous, and unbelievable. And we mean unbelievable in the most literal sense.”
The report states that 33% of students have “more work than i cud posiblee do fml”, whilst an astonishing 91% were reported to be “soooooo stresssssed out :( ”. A secondary survey is underway to determine if the number of arbitrary repeated letters in a word was linked to the level of stress the author was under. Initial findings indicate that it may actually be linked to exceptionally low intellect, and/or a need to talk like the cast of The Hills.
The study follows a report released by Bristol City Council this week about the first reported incident of Deadline Day rage, in which smug-know-it-all third year Henry Gorge was viciously beaten with sticks for announcing that he had “finished all his mo-fo’ing coursework, and [was] off to the pub suckaz”. Gorge is currently recovering in the hospital, a new student bar which ironically doesn’t use capital letters in its name.
Students also noted that the number of computers in the library had shrunk drastically in the last few days, with campus security staff across the country apparently oblivious to the number of desktops being stolen. Masters student Toby Rhone was one student surprised by this localised crime spree, Tweeting “I swear Frenchay has like 4 computers. Get off Facebook you selfish t*wats. FFS UWE, sort is out grrrr”.
As summer approaches, the number of want away students was also on the rise. First year Geographer Helen Halfpenny recently stated on Facebook that she “Might as well give up Uni and move to Oz lol”. The notion seemed popular with her contempories, including fellow Fresher Pete Ellingham who commented “Oz lol! Ur crazy gurrrrrl, be fine bbzx” The country of Oz lol was unavailable for comment.
The competition to have the most work has reached boiling point is some areas of the country. Students claiming to have under 2,000 words to write are often dismissed as “dicks”, whilst those with over 5,000 said they often had “a friend in a worse situation”. The study found that most threads contained an obligatory comment from that bloke you hoped you would never see again after Freshers’ week in which he stated “You think you’ve got it bad, I’ve got that many words, plus 3,000 more, and I’ve just hacked my own arms off and stabbed myself in the eyes.”
Eric Flock, the psychiatrist who initiated the survey concluded that “Some people just aren’t happy unless they’ve got the most work to do, so they sit on Facebook telling everyone about it, rather than doing it. It’s like a morose competition to be the most slack, which is, of course, a healthy attitude to take into later life.”
Politics graduate Paul Hoff disagreed however, noting that “It’s actually really boring reading about it, and if they all got on and did some work, it’d be finished and my Twitter feed would be filled with videos about cats again. That is, after all, the purpose of the internet.”