I have emerged from extortionate amounts of tinsel and chocolate to wrap up this column for the holiday. Using the excuse to watch many rom-coms (which I obviously avoid outside of the festive period) I found myself slightly over-festive, and watching Will you merry me? With such an awful title, this rom-com appeared to suffer an overload of cheese. Amidst the stilton however, there was an incredibly funny scene which involved an item described as a Christmas tree on one side, and a Chanukah bush on the other. Inter-religious marriages are clearly a treat.

Upon reflection, I do like to dabble in analogies. From shoes to risottos; it’s easier to swallow negative tales with a little humor. I was reminded of this when watching When Harry met Sally (I was ill and stuck at home). Sally uses the dog analogy to describe her situation with Harry post-hooking-up. In my opinion, Harry is definitely the dog. A pretty famous analogy is ‘to have your cake, and eat it too.’ I was thrilled to find out that this old English proverb had been used as early as 1538; what happened before this?

 People who try to have their cake and eat it too; they interest me. The cake they have; do they really want it, or do they just want nobody else to have/eat it? The cake they eat, they clearly don’t care for; they’ve surrendered it for their own pleasure.

Maybe they want the cake they are keeping, but are scared to put all of their eggs in one basket?  More likely, they are afraid this cake will be eaten by another hungry human. Remember, they eat other cake at the risk of being caught.

Neither of these cakes is considered valuable by those who decide to eat one and keep one. Valuable to these people is the satisfaction of their taste buds, and guarding against the fear of getting hungry and having nothing to eat.

Then again; if they were really smart, they wouldn’t eat lots of cake at the risk of getting fat. You’d think people who have cake and eat cake would visit the gym once in a while to protect against this. A variety of cupcakes, fairy-cakes and cheesecakes may look pretty, but too much fat and sugar can lead to disease.

Greed rarely satisfies; leaving you with a stomach-ache and a longing for a new taste. However, keeping that cake in the fridge is doing no-one any good. If you really wanted it, you’d eat it now before it goes off. It’s probably best to throw it away.

Don’t be consumed by somebody who doesn’t know your worth, or kept in the fridge by somebody who isn’t sure if they are hungry; make sure they’ve kept you for just the right amount of time. Thankfully, humans have a later sell-by date; you have time to decide. As a bonus, you are not a cake. You can get up and walk out of that fridge.

Of course, all of this is an analogy. It is hard to have a cake and eat other cakes for very long; the former will spoil and the latter will contribute to obesity. Theoretically, it is impossible to have your cake and eat it too; you’ve only had it until it’s gone. Learning which cake hits the spot and not overindulging in said cake is a challenge for us all.

Contrary to the amount of films mentioned, I do go out sometimes. Our final night out this term involved receiving a high-five from a very handsome man. Conversation was flowing when his three elderly male friends appeared in suits. At this point, all I could utter was “So, you’re not a student then?” I feel all was lost from this point. The following day I got horrifically ill and my voice disappeared, as if in reaction to the confusion of the previous night.

Feeling like a fish out of water; or an elf out of Lapland, I decided I wasn’t going to let Christmas plans and near-death experiences beat me. Applications to three universities within four days; I must be more serious than I thought. Having previously only written a handful of articles, this column and my diary, the idea of sustaining a lengthy writing sample was petrifying. So I took refuge downstairs in Starbucks on Park Street and wrote four chapters of an actual book. This is much better than baking cakes.

Don’t pay too much attention to the status of your baking this holiday.

Merry Christmas!