The earth is probably the best planet in the world

Bristol Water Slide Creators Forget To Mention Giant Pool Of Man-Eating Sharks

The creators behind Bristol’s 90 metre-long water-slide have accidentally forgotten to mention the pool of sharks, piranhas and crocodiles waiting at the bottom of Park Street.


Highly dangerous animals were a recent addition to the project, after testers deemed the experience ‘not exciting enough’.


“The absolute guarantee of death ensures that the experience will be once-in-lifetime.


“It also cuts down on the potential of rider queues next time, because they will all be dead.


“It totally slipped my mind to mention the death pool before people started riding the slide, but after five or so people were ripped to shreds, I think the rest of the queue knew what they were in for. I think they were into it.


“The whole project was an art installation, and I ask: What’s more artistic than a violent death?”


He then laughed maniacally for three solid minutes.


End of the line.



Child Decides It’s Time To Teach Parents About Sharing

5 year-old Emily Smith recently decided it was ‘about time’ to teach her parents about the act of sharing.


“I had recently noticed that my parents were beginning to hoard their wealth and resources – ‘toys’, if you will – and decided that they deserved to learn a valuable life lesson. I just want them to get on well with others.”


“I tried to explain that the right to private property was a 17th century invention by elitist John Locke, and that perhaps society has progressed beyond the need to adhere to centuries-old traditions and values.”


“He immediately directed me to my room, to which I questioned – can any space can truly belong to a mere human? Surely, it stands to reason, that we are in fact the ones that belong to the earth?”


Emily’s parents are now divorced.


World’s Poorest Thank Student for Building Yet Another Play Park

A UWE student has been praised by some of the poorest people in the world for building them even more play parks.


“Play parks are really what we need right now,” said one frail villager. “A lot of people think we want water, or food, or shelter. No. What we really need is swing sets.”


“There was a time when we wanted donations of medicine and tinned foods, but we’ve changed our minds. We really appreciate those roundabouts you push and jump on to,” another villager told us. “None of us have the energy or physical ability to play with the equipment, but it’s the thought that counts.”


“Personally, I’m a big fan of slides. So if you’re ever considering what to donate – definitely send us slides instead of tuberculosis vaccinations.”


“I am so thankful that rich British people are able to find time to come over and help us. They could have just not exploited our people and resources for centuries, but this totally makes up for it.”



Charity is a lot of swings and roundabouts.