WesternLie – January 29th, 2014

I have an offshore bank account. It’s the ocean. I literally throw money into the ocean

UKIP Councillor Thinks For A Second Before Speaking

“You see, the problem with those people is-“, were the last words of a speech by UKIP councillor Cornelius Ramsbottom at a meeting this week, before quickly wrapping up, apologising and evacuating the building.

Analysts have concluded that Ramsbottom may have had a sudden change of heart, mid-sentence.

I spoke to Ramsbottom to get to the bottom of the issue.

“I was about to unleash my usual tirade of blaming everyone else for society’s issues, but I stopped myself. I don’t know what happened. I think I suddenly grew a heart and accepted some kind of responsibility for my own attitudes and beliefs.”

“I just thought for a second – these groups I hate so much – they’re people too. They’re just trying to survive, get by and live their lives. Who am I to judge? Aren’t we all human? We all deserve some kind of respect for just managing to survive in this hateful world.”

“I spend so much time on hate and blame – maybe I need to spend a little more time on love and forgiveness.”

Ramsbottom is now on a spiritual journey in the Amazon.

 

US Police Accidentally Arrest Celebrity

“We screwed up.” said Los Angeles police chief Harold Richman this week, after accidentally capturing a major celebrity for a major crime.

“Oh yeah, he was definitely doing the crime. We are absolutely sure of that. We have audio, video and a self-made confession video that prove he was the perpetrator. But look at his hair! It’s adorable!”

“In my eyes, the only crime this guy has committed is being TOO COOL. Driving Under the Influence? Yeah. The influence of being AWESOME!”

“Hopefully we can just pass the charge onto a less popular member of his entourage, like his songwriter or actual musician.”

“Mistakes were made – this will never happen again. As long as they have over a million Twitter followers. Remember: We are all equal before the law-“, Richman stated before being interrupted by his own laughter. “Haha. Comedy.”

“Now please excuse me – I have to get his autograph for myself. I mean my daughter. Definitely my daughter. Whatever.”

 

‘New Year, New Me’, Says Demon That Possesses A Different Person Every Year

Local demon Lucius Deathkiller has high hopes for 2014, after scouting for his latest host.

The 600 year-old spirit from the underworld has invaded the minds of weak humans for several centuries, but is certain that 2014 will finally be the year that he achieves all his dreams and becomes a better person. Literally becomes a better person.

According to sources close to Deathkiller, he apparently vows to change every year, but never actually gets around to doing anything.

“Look, I know I’ve said the same thing every year, but 2014 is when I will finally turn my life around. It’s just hard, you know? Every person I possess just turns out to be way less impressive than they seem online,” Deathkiller told us via a ouija board iPad app.

“2013 was a mixed year for all of us. Huge highs and large lows. 2014 is the year where we can have fun, while learning and growing at the same time. I’m gonna do some soul-searching this year. I consume souls to survive. It’s pretty complex.”

Update: Four weeks into 2014, and Lucius still hasn’t achieved anything.