If all dogs go to heaven, what incentive does a dog have to lead a peaceful & virtuous life

Kim Jong-Un Wins Every Position in SU Election

vote

The Supreme Leader of North Korea has won every single post in this week’s Student Union elections.

With a 99.6% turnout and 100% vote in favour of his rule, the notorious ruler now controls every aspect of student union governance. The missing 0.4% of students are presumed to be “somewhere in Q block.”

His first action is to address the parking area’s potholes.

“I will find the main

tenance team. And I will feed them to the dogs. Or I will simply fill the holes with the maintenance team.”

The team managing the election admitted that they could not comment on the result.

“Our hands are tied. Literally. We’ve been kidnapped. Please help us.”

More like Kim Jong-WON, am I right?

 

 

Home-Bound Astronaut Accidentally Forgets Keys On Space Station

“S**t. S**t, s**t, s**t,” panicked astronaut Mike Oswald, frantically padding his pockets while hurtling at seven kilometres per second through the upper atmosphere, “where the f**k are my keys?!”

“Now I’m gonna have to get all my locks replaced. That’s $200 straight down the drain. God f*****g damn it.”

“This is just great. First, some son-of-a-b***h smashes my car’s side mirror. And now this? You’re f*****g kidding me.”

“My damn wallet was in there too. You know, just in case some aliens have some s**t I wanna buy, you know? Whatever. Stop laughing at me.”

“My iPhone, too, and I didn’t get around to setting up the iCloud backup either. Ughhh, I had so many f*****g sweet space pics on that thing.”

NASA is currently planning a rescue mission for Oswald’s things.

 

4 Students Die of Embarrassment at 24-Hour Frisbiethon

eyes of a killer
The eyes of a killer.

By Guest Writer Oscar Taylor-Kent

Tragedy struck Bath Spa University during a 24-Hour Frisbiethon this week, as 4 students died and a further 7 were hospitalised die to severe embarrassment.

None of the students taking part were affected, and maintained that if more people joined in instead of just watching then tragedy may have been averted.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” said Kyle McShane, “Frisbees are sleek discs. And sleek discs are cool. We’re frequently organising ultimate Frisbee tournaments to try and raise awareness.”

But witness Sandra Dickens disagrees. She calls Frisbee horrifyingly dangerous to most normal people.

“With the marquee tents and the loud speakers…” She paused, holding back tears. “It was while they were blaring early Bowling For Soup. He was walking to a lecture with a friend and just collapsed. They say he was dead before he hit the ground. That’s the only comfort I have.”

The 24-Hour Frisbiethon goes on with no sign of stopping. Who knows how many more lives it may claim?