I’m self-conscious in the sense that I am very conscious that my self is awesome
Bus Survey Reveals Users Want ‘Sicker Jumps’
UWE’s public transport survey has shown that the majority of users want some ‘radical’ changes to the bus network.
Ignoring issues like bus frequency and journey time, respondents have clearly displayed that they desire a complete overhaul in the bad-assery of the network.
“Mainly, I’m just looking for one hell of a time when I ride the 13,” commented one student. “I want this thing to backflip off the road.”
“Remember the movie Speed? Think that, but with the 14 bus and the M32. Tell me that wouldn’t be awesome.
“Machine guns on the 19. For when we pass through Bristol Uni’s campus. You know, just in case. I am NOT suggesting a drive-by!” was the response of one student who melodramatically winked as she handed in the questionnaire.
“The 15A goes via the zoo. Let’s just say we were to grab a couple of lions and set them loose on the bus. How would we hypothetically make this happen?”
Rival bus companies have also responded to the feedback. One company is now running a service with all the seats replaced by knives, to really keep people on edge. Another service replaces bus tickets for live snakes, and another bus is just constantly on fire because “it looks cool as heck”.
Hundreds of people are now dead.
UKIP Councillor Desperately Seeks For Someone To Blame For Bristol Earthquake
“We’ve blamed foreigners enough. We’ve done the gays. We need someone else.”
These were the words of UKIP councillor Cornelius Ramsbottom while furiously searching for a group of people to blame Bristol’s most recent natural disaster on.
“Homosexuals did the floods. There’s no doubting that. Hurricanes are 100% the fault of Eastern-European migration. Volcanoes are absolutely down to women’s suffrage.”
“But I just don’t know who to blame for earthquakes. It’s a shaky subject.”
“I burned my mouth on tea yesterday. That was my neighbour’s fault for being too loud. I stubbed my toe on a chair. My housekeeper’s problem. Toast in my keyboard? Poor people.”
“If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that I’m never at fault. When has a rich English man ever caused a problem?!”
Ramsbottom recently returned from a spiritual journey in the Amazon, where he was deported for offensive comments made to indigenous people living there.
“They couldn’t speak one word of English. How idiotic are they?!”
The councillor has now returned home to whichever circle of hell he came from.
Drunk Teen Makes Profound Tweet
A message left on social network site Twitter has been critically acclaimed as “the most inspirational statement of our generation.
Retweeted by thousands and favourited by thousands more, the tweet has spread across the world like wildfire.
Philosophers from Aristotle to Kanye West shared the message, and even Jesus Christ himself found it worthy of a retweet. Additionally, Twitter’s head office found the message so important that they displayed it on their homepage for a week and have had the tweet added to the end of every corporate email.
“I was wasted at the time, but I just had to get my thoughts out there. I could have waited a while to sober up and consider what I was tweeting or even why I was using my phone in the middle of a club, but this was important. It needed to be seen.”