Prevent zombies by writing ‘YOLO’ on tombstones
David Cameron Sacrifices Human To Mystical Sun God To Ease Flooding
The Prime Minister has revealed his new tactic to dealing with the Somerset flood crisis.
After admitting that river-dredging and relocation would be too expensive and complicated, the PM has turned to alternative techniques to reduce the water-based threat.
“We have done all we can. We must now turn to innovation to solve the problem.”
“First of all, I ventured far into the Forest of Doom to find a reclusive witch that had learned the exact sacrificial process. I then journeyed to the deepest depths of hell to find only the purest volcanic rock to build the altar from. Then I climbed the highest heights to find a rare flower that only grows on the tallest mountains. After finding a person to sacrifice, the ritual was ready.”
“I crafted the altar, drank the flower concoction and recited a cursed passage from the witch’s book. Also I literally sacrificed a person.”
“Oh, it didn’t work. That was a week ago. Classic me!”
The Sun God could not be reached for comment.
Car Park 20 Gradually Turning Into Theme Park
UWE has been covertly developing a new money-making scheme, WesternLie can exclusively reveal.
Car park 20, located slightly off the Frenchay campus, has slowly been evolving into an adventure park for thrill-seekers ever since its developers thought a car park made of mud would be acceptable.
I spoke to whoever was in charge of the parking lot. I don’t know their title. I’m making this up, so let’s just go with Parking President cause that sounds awesome.
“Some people think the giant holes in the ground are potholes – they would be wrong. Those are definitely a fun new ride we’ve developed! You can drive into them then feel the thrill of hitting the ground! It’s fun! Come on!”
The university has also developed a line of souvenirs to go with the park. ‘Mud and Gravel That Sticks To Your Feet And Gets All Over The Floor Which Makes You Have To Clean Out Your Car Every Damn Week’ is already the most popular item at the gift shop.
Some have found it disrespectful to build a theme park directly next to a local cemetery.
“It’s not disrespectful. If anything, it serves as a reminder to our visitors that time is short and they should live life to the full. I am sure the cemetery’s visitors would love to see happy smiling faces while they mourn the loss of a loved one.”
Meanwhile, a competing theme park company has also opened nearby, called ‘The Bus’. Visitors are already waiting in crowded shelters for up to an hour to enjoy the new high-octane ride ‘Waiting For A Bus And Hoping It Actually Turns Up Oh No Wait It Drove Right Past Me’.
Feedback has been mixed.
2014 Winter Olympics Is World’s Most Elaborate Prank, Insider Admits
The 2014 Olympic Games has simply been one incredibly drawn-out hoax according to one inside source.
“We wanted to show the world that Russia had a sense of humour. Why else would we put the Winter Olympics in Sochi? We have literally half of the world’s snow and we decided to hold it next door to the Middle East. That is classic comedy, my friend.”
The insider went on to describe the original plan.
“Ashton Kutcher was meant to be at the opening ceremony. He was going to jump out of a cake at the end and shout ‘PUNK’D’ but he didn’t show, so we just had to roll with it.”
“We had to build all the hotels overnight, which is why the doors are made of cardboard and the toilets are just trash bins with ‘toilet’ written on them. We didn’t even get to build tracks for the sports. We just put some flags on the mountains, and the athletes just started racing down them.”
“We didn’t even have medals prepared. We’ve just resorted to giving out the foil lids from yogurt pots as awards, which we saw on an episode of The Office once. We’re huge fans of that show in Russia. Putin really hates that Oscar character though.”
“We don’t even have any plans for the closing ceremony yet. If anyone has any thoughts, let me know. I’m on the Hotmail.