The American healthcare system is literally retail therapy


“Blame Immigrants” Says Homo-Sapien Descended From 100,000 Years Of Immigration

A human being is leading a tirade against immigration, despite their lineage tracing back overseas.

The human’s ancestors originated in east Africa, which was subsequently followed by passage through the Middle East and thousands of years of gradual movement westward through Europe. The human’s distant relatives took a variety of different paths out of Africa, a choice that the human now hates them for.

“These people have never contributed to our society,” said the homo-sapien, accidentally forgetting the thousands of years of immigration of Celtic, Roman, Saxon, Viking, French, Irish, African, Asian, North American, South American, Australian and European peoples that created modern England.

“They have no right to be here – this country has no connection to their homelands,” once again slightly misremembering the brutal history of colonialism that his country perpetuated throughout the entire world.

“You can call me a lot of things – but I am NOT a racist. I hate all foreign people regardless of skin colour.”

Personally, this writer wishes that the person & their out-dated ideals emigrate to a trash can.


Golden Globe Wins Golden Globe For Most Golden Globe

A gold-coloured orb has won an award for being the most yellowish-tinted ball in the world.

“I can’t believe it. One day you’re a regular spheroid, the next, you’re a regular spheroid with another regular spheroid in your hands. Not literally, of course. I’m a shape, I don’t have hands. I don’t even have a mouth to take part in this interview. I think the writer is just making this up as they go along, as if they have some kind of deadline to meet while putting in as little effort as possible. Honestly, I’m impressed at their wit and incredible good looks.”

The sphere has now won the WesternLie award for Most Truthful & Trustworthy 3D Object.


Channel 4’s ‘Benefits Street’ a “Completely Accurate Representation of Working Class People” Says Billionaire

Billionaire Donald Rogers has praised new TV show Benefits Street as a perfect documentary on “scumbags”.

Rogers, who has had literally everything handed to him throughout his entire life, criticised the “sense of entitlement” of people in receipt of government assistance schemes.

“If you’re poor, it’s your own fault. Maybe if you worked harder, your father would have given you a better job.”

“I’m not rich – I only own one house. The rest are rented. They’re penthouses. I rent penthouses.”

Rogers, whose bank received a large portion of government bailout money in 2008, was appalled that his money could be distributed to another section of society.

“The difference is that poor people get ‘handouts’. We get economic ‘assistance’. Poors squander our money away on nonsense. We ship it all to tax-havens. Frankly, we’re just better than them. And the media agrees.”

“It’s preposterous that my money gets spent on benefits so they can have luxuries like food, water, heat and shelter. These people even have televisions. They’re not even black & white TVs. Full colour. Ridiculous.”

“Honestly, we don’t need the government spending money on anything. Cut it all, I say.”

Rogers left the interview via his government-subsidised electric car, driving on a government-funded road, all the while protected by the government’s police forces.


By George Lewis