Disclaimer: Burgers are just meat sandwiches with fancier names
UWE Hosts “Legs Fair”
The University has been criticized for hosting a controversial legs fair on one of its campuses.
Critics say that the act of selling legs is immoral, unethical and inappropriate on a university campus. In response, UWE has issued the following statement:
“This is not a legs fair. This is project management of large procurement projects and supply chain management… for the lower body industry.”
It wasn’t just regular legs that were on sale. Leg drones, unmanned legs and legs of mass destruction were also on show. One such leg was called the Shin-Splinterer 3000, a leg that has been banned in 19 states.
I spoke to a protestor about the legs fair.
“It is despicable that companies can just walk in and sell legs. I understand that legs fairs are a toetally unstoppable fact of the world, but for them to be invited to a university campus… It just doesn’t stand up. I want them kicked off the campus, or a reduction in the footage of their convention space.”
I thighed at her puns. Sighed. Whatever.
Burger King Overthrown in Democratic Revolution
The tyrannical ruler of the Burger Kingdom was overthrown this week, after burgermen & women revolted against his leadership.
The infamous Burger King is primarily known for his international chain of burger restaurants, but very few people are aware of his secondary role – the leader of a brutal, oppressive dictatorial regime.
Accused of countless crimes against hamanity (ham, like hamburgers. lmao), the unlawful imprisonment of journalists & food critics, and the embezzlement of state funds (raised from the burger empire).
The Burger King claimed that his government believed in the democratic principle of ‘Have It Your Way’ – but according to human rights activists, the only way you can have it is death.
Additionally, the Burger King was known to torture opponents using a method referred to as the ‘BLT’ – covering victims in bacon, lettuce and tomato then flame grilling them until perfection. Sick, but delicious.
The Burger King is now in exile in an unknown location. Rumours suggest he is either in Kentucky – a military dictatorship run by Colonel Sanders, or hiding on a farm ran by a crazed clown called Ronald.
Cat Spends Afternoon Watching YouTube Videos of Humans
Oscar is just like many other internet users his age – likes Facebook, enjoys Twitter and loves YouTube.
But Oscar is different in one way.
Oscar is a cat.
Oscar spends up to 6 hours a day watching videos of humans online, and runs a blog dedicated to the quirky things that only humans do. The most popular post is a GIF of a person checking their work email and drinking coffee. The blog has 4 followers, and they are all cats.
Scientists are amazed at Oscar’s technical proficiency, and are seeking to do research on his abilities. Not only is Oscar surprisingly intelligent for a cat, his YouTube comments are actually more readable than 90% of human-made comments on the website.
I tried to interview Oscar, but he is a cat and cats do not speak English.
By George Lewis