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Man Refuses to Take Off ‘Weird, Creepy Guy’ Costume
Halloween ended last week, but local man Greg Douglas is still insisting on wearing his seasonal outfit.
I visited him to ask about his choice of clothing.
“I don’t get why people are saying my clothes are meant to be a Halloween costume. This is just what I wear.”
Douglas was wearing a pair of high-waisted tan corduroy bottoms, an ill-fitting, food-stained hoodie and a t-shirt bearing the face of a ‘grumpy cat’.
“I’m not weird or creepy. I just like comfortable clothes. People are too quick to judge others on appearance alone. Just because I watch cat videos and giggle out loud in the library and I haven’t showered in a month, does not mean I’m weird or wearing a costume.”
I asked him about the blood running down his face.
“Oh, that? That just happens sometimes.”
After wiping away the blood, I looked around his house.
“Oh yeah, just ignore those cobwebs,” he said as he used his foot to nudge a skeleton under his sofa, “Kids love trick-or-treating here, I don’t know why. I didn’t even decorate.”
I quickly left his house, which was actually a derelict hospital on top of a lonely hill in the middle of nowhere.
On my way out, I learned a valuable lesson.
Never buy grumpy cat merchandise.
Rival Bus Companies Settle Ancient Rivalry in Mass Bloodbath
A city-wide feud lasting many years has finally exploded in an intense display of violence.
Relations between drivers from all of Bristol’s bus companies finally reached a boiling point this week as representatives agreed on a free-for-all showdown.
After years of rudely overtaking, undercutting each other’s prices and stealing routes, drivers from all over the city participated in an explosive conclusion to the story of the city’s public transport.
I spoke with the sole survivor of the battle.
“We all had enough of each other’s nonsense. We were DRIVING each other insane. I was WHEELY mad. I sent them on a ONE-WAY ticket to the grave. I couldn’t (BUS) STOP.”
I called the police immediately.
Man in Suit ‘Probably not guilty’
A Bristol jury is currently in deadlock, completely unable to come to an agreement on whether a man is guilty or not, due to his smart sense of style.
All of the evidence presented to the jury suggests that the defendant is absolutely guilty, but the clothing choices of the man have cast doubt on their verdict.
“We have his DNA evidence at the crime scene, CCTV footage of him actually committing the crime and he even confessed that he absolutely did the crime. But look at that beautiful waistcoat” said the prosecutor.
I caught up with a jury member to see what they thought.
“If he had been wearing like a hoodie, or something, then yeah, he would definitely be guilty. But the suit is really making me question myself. Name one criminal who has ever worn a suit. You can’t! There are literally no criminals that have worn suits.”
“Oh, I am absolutely guilty. But I’m wearing a suit. Who needs justice when you have money?” the defendant told us.
In his summing up of the case, the judge offered the following statement:
“The defendant had a sharp sense of style. Just like the weapon he used!”
The jury laughed for a solid 10 minutes, while a single tear rolled down the cheek of Lady Justice.
By George Lewis