Disclaimer: Apparently you can’t upload nudes to LinkedIn. Nobody told me.

Jungle Celebrities Starve to Death After Failing Every Task

The entire cast of I’m A Celebrity died last night, after going hungry for an entire week.
After failing every challenge, finding no stars and winning exactly zero meals, the celebrities were forced to find other means of acquiring food.
After day 3, several of the celebrities formed a hunting pack to find and kill new sources of food. They returned to the camp empty handed, especially the celebrity that lost their actual hands in a tragic boar accident.
Day 5 saw the first instance of cannibalism, which was the only the third grossest thing broadcast this season.
I spoke to a producer of the show.
“This is the most real that reality TV has ever been. Never before has cannibalisation been broadcast live from a jungle, but the sponsors LOVE it. Especially Iceland – they’ve already borrowed a few recipes. Funnily enough, the celebrities are totally within their right to leave the jungle at any time – they simply have to ask to leave and they’ll be pulled right out. They may have forgotten that, but we can’t simply force the three surviving celebrities out. That’s against the rules, and they clearly want to win. One of them doesn’t even have limbs anymore.”
Their bodies will likely be used in a trial next year.

UWE’s Gromit ‘Definitely Worth’ 3 Student’s Tuition Fees

The new Gromit statue in Frenchay’s library has been hailed as a “magnificent use of resources” and “the best possible way to spend tuition fees” by students.
I talked with an anonymous student (who is definitely real) about the acquisition.
“It cost £23,000 – basically nothing. I’m sure the one-and-a-half other students that paid for it agree. What university needs books, pencils or desks? We can use the Gromit as a desk! Or a chair! The possibilities are endless.”
A lecturer from the faculty of Good Dog Studies (that’s probably a real faculty, right? I don’t know. Pretend it is) took issue with the Gromit selection.
“Why was it Gromit? There are exactly 4 dogs in this world that are better than Gromit. First: John, my neighbour’s dog. Powerful shoulders. A perfect specimen. If any dog deserves a statue, it is John. In fact, I encourage all students to re-label the library dog ‘John’ in his honor.”
Make it happen, readers.
Note: After being informed that the £23,000 was donated to children’s charities, I cried into my pillow and repeatedly whimpered “That is beautiful”.

Death of Family Guy character ‘Literally the worst thing to have happened in the last 100 years’

The death of a character in the animated sitcom Family Guy has been voted the most tragic thing to have occurred since 1903, in an online poll conducted by the ‘People Ignorant of Both World Wars’ society.
The death beat two world wars, several ethnic genocides and hundreds of natural disasters to the number one spot. This column was a close second.
A Facebook page has been created in remembrance of the character, and has already accrued more likes than my personal modelling page which has 7 likes (5 are my family and 2 are people trying to sell Nike shoes).
I asked a fan what they thought of the situation.
“I was born in 2001, so I haven’t seen any kind of tragedy or national disaster that comes anywhere close to this nightmare. That character may have just been lines and colours on a TV screen, but dammit, they were my lines & colours.”
I told his parents that he watched the show and he got grounded for two weeks. He instantly forgot about the character’s death.
People call me the fun killer. I don’t know why.