Disclaimer: Will Smith is a pretty good actor, right?

Government Reluctantly Accepts ‘Floor is Lava’ Petition
The government’s promise to accept any petition as law backfired this week, as it regretfully made a law to pretend all floors are lava.

Under the new law, people will only be able to travel by climbing across benches, fences and other objects that are not the ground. Bristol City Council has already created plans for a network of sofas to link all areas of the city together, to enable residents to commute to work and visit family.

I spoke with a government minister about the new law.

“Welcome,” she greeted me as I climbed across a chair to get into the room, “do make yourself at home. Don’t get too comfortable though, as the floor is literally lava.”

“We have made a terrible mistake. To implement the policy, we’ve had to import several million tonnes of the finest Icelandic lava, and install heating systems in every floor to prevent the lava from cooling. But that’s the price we pay for democracy.”

Other petitions that the government has had to respect include ‘Change the national anthem to ‘God Save the Swag’’, ‘Replace every word in the dictionary with ‘#yolo’’ and one petition simply titled ‘burger’.

It attracted 14,000 supporters.

westernliePictured: An artist’s depiction of the future

Energy Company CEO Turns Off Christmas Lights

Thousands of people annually celebrate the winter holiday season by watching D-level celebrities turn on festive lights in their cities. The CEO of an energy company wants to change that, however.

I spoke with Jon Evans about his maniacal plan.

“I have a giant red button that shuts off all power which I can press whenever old or poor people complain about energy prices. It’s great!” he said before maniacally laughing for 10 minutes.

“People are outside, enjoying themselves, celebrating winter with lovely lights. Then BAM, I’m ruining their day. I run this damn country.”

“Some people may refer to me as ‘The Grinch’. The Grinch lived in a badass mountain with an awesome dog. The Grinch was cool as heck.”

I mentioned that he might upset a lot of people with his plans.

“**** ‘em,” he replied.

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Pictured: Christmas display without lights, or CEO’s heart

Celebrity Does A Thing

Shocking scenes were witnessed this weekend, as a celebrity did a thing.

Print, television and internet journalists spent precious time and energy reporting on a celebrity doing a thing, while simultaneously forgetting to report on wars, genocides and natural disasters occurring in the world.

The celebrity involved in doing a thing was most known for appearing in that one show from a few years ago, you know, that show with the thing where stuff happened. That one.

The thing is probably criminal, but the celebrity that did the thing will likely never face criminal charges, because, come on, how could you charge a celebrity with a crime?

The celebrity that did the thing later tweeted their regret and apologies, but will undoubtedly be caught doing the same thing again in few days.

We have an average of 80 years of life on this planet. Caring about a celebrity doing a thing is definitely worth the time.

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Pictured: Exclusive photo of celebrity doing a thing, from really far away.

 

By George Lewis