Disclaimer: None of this is real.

 

9am Lecture Will ‘Definitely’ Be Attended, Says One Student

A single student has confirmed that they will ‘absolutely’ be attending lectures scheduled for 9am.

“Sure, I have to wake up at 5am, skip breakfast, take a two-hour bus ride then run into the lecture hall, but this is definitely worth it”, the student said. “I don’t even care that my lecturer simply reads a PowerPoint presentation already available online. I am an idiot, and I intend to maintain that”.

“I am completely confident that this level of attendance will maintain itself throughout the rest of the year”, a lecturer told us. “This student is actually dedicated. Too dedicated, in fact. Not even I come into my own 9am lectures. I think I’m the only person that this guy interacts with. Honestly, I’m terrified.”

The attendance of a single student at 9am represents a dramatic rise over the previous year, in which minus levels of attendance were reported. Several black holes were created as a result, which destroyed a large portion of the humanities department.

Nobody else was available for comment, due to hangovers.

Pictured: University During 2012 Black Hole Incident

 

 

95% of World Population ‘Completely Enthralled’ By Your Tweet About Breakfast

A new study has shown that literally everyone loves your tweets about eating breakfast.

Your tweet, “pancakes lol”, with an attached photo of said pancakes, amassed over three billion retweets and seven billion favourites. We asked the people of Bristol why your tweet was so popular.

“Well, the tweet said ‘pancakes’ and it was followed by a picture of pancakes. That is pure art” said one woman.

Another told us “Breakfast IS the most important meal of the day. Therefore it’s the most important tweet of the day. Maybe even year”.

“I cannot explain how much I care about this person’s tweet about breakfast” asserted one fan. “It has really made me think about life, society and how we all interact on a basic, human level. It’s like Plato came back and defined what it means to be a human in society – through syrup on social media”.

Additionally, your tweets about going to bed are also incredible. Keep that up.

Pictured: Your perfect Twitter page

World’s First Amusing Meme Discovered

After two-hundred thousand years of human evolution, five thousand years of written history and fourty years of internet connectivity, the first actually amusing meme has been discovered. The meme, which comprises of a photo with text at both the top and bottom of the picture, is the first ever instance of a funny meme.

I spoke with one of the researchers at the Meme Discovery Unit at Oxford University.

“Until this discovery, we thought memes were just collections of low-effort appeals to the lowest common denominator of humor. What we’ve found is quite possibly the pinnacle of human achievement, comparable with any wonder of the ancient world or modern feat of science. A meme that can actually make people laugh is on par with sending people to mars or curing every form of cancer”.

The meme is pictured below.

By George Lewis