Disclaimer: Just ignore this.

Censorship of Media “F***ing ridiculous”
The editor of a leading British newspaper has told us that decency guidelines are “absolute ****” and the organisation that enforces them are “complete ****s”.

The editor, who wishes to remain nameless, called for a repeal of the decency standards.

“We have a very ****ing strict word count. If we can’t meet that arbitrary ****ing number, we pump articles with a ****-load of expletives. I’m a ****ing pioneer.”

“How the **** are we supposed to meet a word count without all these **********ing unnecessary words? Increase content? Are you ****ing kidding me? That would mean we would have to pay our writers a ****-tonne more. I have a huge ****ing bonus I need to maintain.”

When we suggested that he should calm down, he got even more aggressive.

“Calm down? Calm the **** down? This is serious ****ing business.”

He gave us some parting words as we left.

“**** off, you ****ing pieces of ****.”

Student Protest Actually Achieves Something
A world first occurred in London this week, as a major piece of policy was changed to reflect the demands of a student demonstration.

During the demonstration, which was incredibly well managed, the students managed to communicate a very coherent and reasonable critique of the current government policy, and suggested several alternative measures.

In response, government ministers considered all of the student’s proposals, and responded with a mutually beneficial change in policy.

We spoke to a government minister about the way they review protests.

“A lot of people think we simply ignore demonstrations and negative opinion, and simply wait for the issue to blow over. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Yes, we continued to increase yearly university tuition fees to £9000 despite mass protests against the policy, but the original plan was to charge £9000, require a donation of a literal arm and leg, and install actual demons in every classroom. ‘A demon in every classroom’ and ‘No demon left behind’ were official policies until the student demonstrations of 2010.”

“I would like to tell everyone that their voice is not worthless, we don’t simply ignore everything that the public say, and we’re always listening.”

I thanked him for the interview.

“Sorry, what? I wasn’t listening.” he replied.

Giant Monster Destroying City Centre ‘Pretty Cool’, Says Student
A giant lizard destroying hundreds of buildings in Bristol’s centre has been described as ‘kind of badass’, by one student.

The 267-foot monster is on a rampage through the south-west of the country, arriving in Bristol after destroying the pier in Weston-Super-Mare and a small boat in Clevedon.

The monster was thought to have been awoken by nuclear tests in the Pacific Ocean and then took a long-haul flight into the country. It is unclear how the monster was able to pass through customs & passport control without a passport or any recognizable human features. It is also strange how a monster the size of a building managed to fit inside a plane.

We spoke to a witness of the monster’s rampage.

“That was AWESOME! It kind of slowly walked into the city, swiping down buildings as it moved, like, BOOM! Explosions! Then the military turned up with these guns and they went like PEW PEW and shot some missiles at it. It was INCREDIBLE. It was like a Hollywood movie, but actually enjoyable.”

Nobody was harmed, but my journalistic integrity was.