Disclaimer: Still not real.
Angry Birds, Pigs Finally Agree on Two-State Solution
After 4 years of continuous warfare, representatives of both bird and pig factions of the Angry Bird conflict have reached a deal that enables both sides to maintain their own self-governed sovereign states.
The conflict started after the pig faction was accused of stealing the bird faction’s eggs, and has escalated ever since. Their battles have been fought in various places on earth and even space. Atrocities have been committed on both sides, but public support has often been on the side of the birds, due to their smart usage of video game propaganda.
The pigs have often claimed that the propaganda is based in dubious facts and encourages the mass murder of pigs. “There is often a portrayal of a dictatorial pig wearing a crown, but Piggy Island is governed by a constitutional democracy and the king’s role is merely ceremonial”, one pig told us.
The treaty was signed in the bird-ruled city of Las Squawkus, under bird law. We asked Tom Williams, a resident expert in bird law to explain the settlement. “Bird law is not governed by reason”, he told us. This essentially means the deal could collapse at any moment, just like a tower made of wooden blocks.
The birds could not be reached for comment, because they are birds.
Somebody Actually Used the Yellow Pages
A local student broke an international 8-year record of not using the Yellow Pages this week.
We were so amazed that somebody actually used that yellow book of waste in the 21st century that we tracked him down and asked him why.
“I could just Google it and get the answer within 4 seconds, but the inconvenience of having to look through a physical book for 5 minutes really appeals to me,” he said. “Life is too easy these days. I can literally order food and have it on my doorstep within 30 minutes without having to go outside and chase down prey. The Yellow Pages are my time machine to a simpler, more terrible time.”
“Watch this,” he directed as he attempted to find a number for a plumber. “First you have to go to the plumbers section. That’s a good place to start. Okay, there’s no plumbers section. I guess a bathroom section? Okay, that doesn’t exist either.” It took him 10 minutes to find the ‘utilities’ section. “Okay, now I just have to find plumbers in this section. Here’s a whole page of plumbers. Now, I have to decide which one to call, which is difficult because none of them have reviews in this book. You have to call them all – and that’s the fun part!”
In the time it took him to find that single phone number, I had called a plumber, ordered a large pizza, booked a taxi and completed Candy Crush twice.
When asked if he will ever use the phone book again, he replied “Maybe for firewood.”
Bebo Rated “Most Indie Social Network”
Internet hipster Rainbow Jones has resorted to solely using Bebo because it is the “last remaining 100% indie website”.
“Bebo has been my home since 2008, and I intend on staying.”
“Ignore the fact that none of my friends use Bebo anymore. I have a daily ‘luv’ limit that I have to use up. You think I’m gonna just let this luv go to waste?”
After advocating for a luv-based economy, she went on to describe more positives of the Bebo social network.
“I often create quizzes to test how well people know me. The vast majority of people fail, because they are just not indie enough. I have a song that plays automatically when you visit my page. It’s by a band you’ve never heard of. It provides a soundscape for my page. This is my space online, and you will respect that.”
“Facebook is owned by Mark Zuckerberg. MySpace is owned by Justin Timberlake. Bebo is owned by completely indie people. Ignore the fact that it was so bad that AOL bought it then sold it. Do you understand how indie that is?”
After talking to her, I deleted my Bebo profile then blocked Jones from my MSN account.