Disclaimer: None of this happened.

Lad Culture ‘Really Cool’ Says Massive Scumbag Piece of Trash

An informal poll has revealed that ‘lad culture’ is becoming increasingly popular among young men.

‘Lad culture’ has often been criticised for being misogynistic, disrespectful and offensive. I spoke with a self-identifying ‘lad’ to find out more.

The subject greeted me with an “OI” as he handed me a half-empty bottle of WKD. “LOOK AT THIS MEME”, he shouted, pointing at a Facebook page on his computer. The image was of a young man with a “GIRLS SMELL” tattoo emblazoned across his back. “CLASSIC BANTER”, he cheered.

I asked him about the rampant disrespect for women in the culture of being a stereotypical ‘lad’. “WE’RE LADS. THIS IS WHAT LADS DO. THIS IS WHAT BEING A LAD IS ALL ABOUT. MEMES. TREATING WOMEN AS SUB-HUMAN PIECES OF MEAT. MEMES. MORE MEMES.”

I asked him if he had ever possibly considered if he, as a young man, could have fun and enjoy himself without resorting to disrespect and ignorance. “I FOLLOW THE ‘WWJD’ PHILOSOPHY. WHAT WOULD JAY (from The Inbetweeners) DO?” It was about this time that I decided to leave.

Kicking me in the shin, he bade me farewell.


Bristol Man Minds Head After Noticing ‘Mind Head’ Sign

A close call occurred this Saturday, after a local man narrowly avoided a tiny head injury by glancing at a sign.

“That sign is a life-saver. Without it, I don’t know what kind of damage I would have sustained. I pretty much owe my entire life to this sign,” the man told us. “I could have been killed.”

“Should I be expected to ‘be aware of my surroundings’ when I’m in an unfamiliar place? Should I have some sense of personal responsibility? Should I open my eyes? That is not a society that I want to live in.”

“I am also entirely thankful of the ‘wash your hands’ signs in bathrooms. Before the signs, I’d often wonder why nobody wanted to shake my hand. Now, I’ve managed to introduce myself to several people without having them vomit.”

Doctors say he could have experienced a minor bruise from the low ceiling, or at worst, a temporary skin grazing.

We talked to an unimpressed doctor. “If you need a sign to tell you to not hit your head, I don’t think there’s any hope for you. Maybe we should remove the signs and just see what kind of crazy Darwinian dystopia we can create.”

“Grow up”, he ended.
Millionaire City Banker ‘Not in it for the money’

London-residing investment banker Arthur Wright is allegedly only involved in his trade “for the fun of it”.

“I have seven houses and three children in private education. At this point, I’m just doing this to get out of the house. Well, one of the houses.”

“I’m doing what I love – pouring millions of pounds into high risk, highly volatile investments – and getting paid for it. The money isn’t important to me, it’s the feeling that I’m helping people.”

“I bet imaginary numbers on other imaginary numbers, and when they go up by an imaginary percentage point, I make several thousand pounds. It’s very hard work, but it’s also very fulfilling.”

“I am literally gambling with other people’s money, but I know it’s changing lives and contributing to a healthy society. I just know.”

When asked whether he thought he deserved more pay than nurses, police officers, teachers and scientists, he replied “No. But who’s going to stop me?” He then proceeded to make a V-sign to a homeless man begging for change.

“Change THIS!” he remarked.


By George Lewis